


Not Good Enough

by junmyeonssi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depression, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Sort Of, Suicide Attempt, cant be angsty all the time, just sadness, look at these tags gtg, oh and I gave it a somewhat nice ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-09 22:34:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16458299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junmyeonssi/pseuds/junmyeonssi
Summary: A sad Junmyeon





	Not Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> whoops my fingers slipped

Junmyeon tried. He really did. He tried to be a good leader, an amazing vocalist like Jongdae, Baekhyun, or Kyungsoo, better looking, more popular, less awkward. He tried until he broke. 

 

It was not a good day. Junmyeon winced as the managers ranted and raged at him.  _Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not popular enough. And you can't even keep the members in check, what sort of leader are you again?  not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

And during dance practice he kept messing up until,  _"Junmyeon, why are you an idol if you can't dance, much less sing or even be a leader?"_ And Junmyeon just took it, laughing awkwardly.  _not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

Junmyeon restricted himself to a diet of only water. Trying his best to become fit and strong. He started texting Leeteuk regularly, getting advice and help from him. Trying to be a good leader. He talked more with Minho and Kyuhyun, asking them to help improve his looks with various styles. Trying to be more popular because he would  _finally_ look good. 

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

Junmyeon was falling. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't take the hate and criticism. He was trying, he really was. He was attempting to improve himself, to better himself for his members and fans.  _nobody wants someone who's not good enough, you know that._

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

He wanted so badly to be liked, to hear people praising him for something, anything. But Junmyeon didn't know how, he had always been awkward, always shying away from the spotlight if he could. He just wanted to be liked. 

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

And he kept failing. " _Why can't you dance better? It isn't even that hard of a move, Junmyeon." "Hyung, your vocals are shit. Maybe take a break and get something to eat?" "Why are you always standing there with an awkward look on your face? It's so weird." "You're a horrible leader, why even bother calling you leader? You just bend to everybody's wishes."_

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

He took it all until one day, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IDIOTS STILL HERE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT A DANCE PRACTICE!!! EVERYONE'S WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED OR SOMETHING BUT NO YOU'RE ALL HERE BEING A BUNCH OF LAZY ASSES!! GET UP NOW!!!! SUHO WE NEED TO TALK LATER!!" 

And Sehun scowled and muttered,"Why is hyung even our leader if he can't pay attention to the time and tell us we have dance practice? Even  _Yixing-ge_ would be a better leader and he's in China." Sehun was talking just loud enough for Junmyeon to overhear. 

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

And so Junmyeon promised himself it would all end tonight. He would finally be rid of all the burdens and sadness and maybe, just maybe he'd be good enough once he was gone. So he sat through the managers scolding and anger, vaguely listening to how he was such a fuckup and how he should never have been leader but of course seven years of more training would be wasting SM's funds more than it is since he debuted. Junmyeon just sat and listened, secretly smiling at the thought he wouldn't have to deal with much more of this. 

 

_not good enough not good enough not good enough not good enough_

 

He locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of sleeping pills, a glass of water, and a note. Completely unaware of a person watching him and following him. The note read, 

_"EXO,_

_I suspect I won't be here when you find this but that's okay, at least you'll know._

_Minseok, I expect the leader job will be yours, since you're the oldest. You'll do a great job, I know the managers are harsh and cruel, but you're strong and you have the members to help. I hope your life is full of joy and happiness._

_Yixing, I know you're in China, but maybe you'll come back for my funeral. I know it's hard, being the only Chinese member now, but you're resilient, you survived through the cruel training SM forced you to do, I know you'll be okay now. I hope you live your life to the fullest, enjoying all the wonders the world has to offer._

_Baekhyun, where do I start? You're full of life and happiness, always helping brighten the room. Your voice is so amazing and I know people love it, please continue singing even when EXO disbands. I expect you'll continue annoying the leader (Minseok now) and I bet he'll act upset but we all know he's soft for you. Please stay happy and lively._

_Chanyeol, the happy virus of EXO. You're so talented with your ability to sing, rap, play instruments, dance, and beatbox. You're funny and cool and everybody looks up to you (literally and figuratively haha). I hope you remain as the happy virus._

_Jongdae, EXO's troll and best high and low note vocalist. You know the fans love your voice right? With your talent of singing, it's no surprise you're considered one of the most talented members. Also you do know everybody knows about yours and Chanyeol's relationship right? Baekhyun saw you guys kissing. Please stay as EXO's vocal king._

_Kyungsoo, the brains behind the beagle lines pranks and antics. I love your voice, it has always been so pretty and smooth, it reminds me of melty chocolate and caramel. Please remain 4D and weird, everybody loves it._

_Jongin, EXO's dancing king and the chicken boy. Your dancing has always been something I admired and I wished I could be like you. You're either funny and cute or sexy and hot, the fans love both sides. And your skin is so pretty, I wish I could've been you. Don't let your anxiety get in the way of your ambitions, rise to the top and enjoy it._

_Sehun, I love you, so much. I know I never told you, and when you said you liked male fans, it gave me hope but lets be honest, who wants me when you can have Jongin? I've envied him for so long, if I had been Jongin, would you have loved me then? I'm sorry i was so bad of a leader, I hope you can forgive me. I hope you live your life well and you marry a nice girl or guy._

_Junmyeon"_

He swallowed ten of the pills as the tub filled up with water.  _At last he would be free._ And he sank into the water, clothes still on, he closed his eyes and then the door burst open. _"Hyung, no please please no no no this isn't happening please JONGIN MINSEOK HYUNG HELP ME hyung please please I love you."_

 

Junmyeon laid on a white bed in the hospital, motionless and soundless except for the small noises he made from breathing. Sehun was by his side, sleeping and waiting, hoping for Junmyeon to wake. 

 

_not good enough not good enough not g- "hyung please, you're good enough please please I love you, don't die I love you I love you please I didn't mean it, you're the best leader please hyung."_

 

The words went on through Junmyeon's unconscious mind, floating around. Until finally, he shot up so fast that he startled Sehun up from his position of bending over so that he could lay his head on the bed.  _"Hyung, hyung you're awake I was so worried, I never meant to make you feel like that, you don't have to be Jongin for me to love you, I've loved since I saw you. I'm sorry for my words, I didn't want you to leave, not ever."_


End file.
